1.
"Now go do yer panhandlin' exercises! Y'only got a week 'til your 13th birthday and then ye'll be a real panhandler
2.
“I oughta go over there, tear off that fancy fur collar and shove it up yer ass security guard
3.
As if in response, the man burst out, "Yer dead
4.
Yer all dead
5.
"Fill yer names in here please Miss, 'an them others as well," then turning to the black suited one with the silver ‘S’s’
6.
"Not enough you may say yer greatness, so could stretch it a mite more to five, that 'ud make
7.
I’m sure yer tired of it, but
8.
Same way you’s cousins with yer
9.
"Inside wiv' yer
10.
“Fine! Come in, but wipe yer feet first,” she sneered in her oddly low, raspy voice
11.
“Still got yer parcels, Mr
12.
“Oy, Ursus, come share some o’ that meat with yer fav’rite bruvver,” snarled the equally giant brown bear
13.
“I ’ope yer right, ’Bristles,” said the shorter pirate, still rubbing the raw cheek where his pal had slapped him earlier
14.
Hope he thinks yer able for the sea voyage; otherwise you’ll meet his knife
15.
Or, maybe, yer friend will!”
16.
"Yer know, Peter boy, I've always fancied 'er
17.
"Don't know nothing, do yer?"
18.
"Where've yer been then?" he asked as I limped in
19.
"Get us some more beers while yer there will yer? I've a feeling we're going ter need some afer the night's out
20.
'appen ternight, yer can bank on that," Uncle Hobart was saying
21.
"Got the gift yer see
22.
"If I tell yer that, then yer'll know as much as me, won't yer," he snapped
23.
Uncle Hobart came up beside me, his gruff voice sharp in my ear, "Told yer, didn't I? It's the gift yer see
24.
"I'll tell yer some'at else too
25.
There'll be more next week, yer see if there ain't
26.
All I could get out of him was, "It's the gift yer see
27.
"'Ad yer going there, didn't I?" he greeted us as we trooped in
28.
"Will yer bleedin' tell me what it bleedin' is!" he shouted at the top of his voice
29.
"Fat lot of bleedin' good being comfy is if yer can't watch the cricket on the telly, ain't it?" he snapped back
30.
Is this the best yer could do?"
31.
"Maybe not fer yer
32.
Come on, yer can't leave me 'ere with 'im
33.
"It's nice ter see yer too
34.
" Guiding me into a room off the corridor, he asked, "And do yer know why?"
35.
"Yer know, there were a time when yer used ter keep up with the latest fashions, Peter boy
36.
"Oy, what yer do that fer?" he protested
37.
"Oy, watch out yer bleedin' stupid bugger!" There was no mistaking the voice issuing from the dark shadowy opening
38.
Then leaning towards Aunt Martha with a twinkle in his eye, he said hopefully, "I never did find out why yer two got divorced though
39.
Tell yer what, why don't we 'ang on ter it fer a bit?"
40.
Mind, 'e slipped up a bit when 'e 'ad yer
41.
"But don't yer worry none, Peter boy
42.
Just 'cause yer were an accident, and a bastard to boot, that don't mean that I think any the less o' yer
43.
Yer Aunt Martha and me'll still be 'ere to take care o' yer, don't yer worry none
44.
BET THAT BROUGHT TEARS TER YER EYES
45.
"Got no conception, 'ave yer? That's the trouble with yer young 'uns terday, 'ad it too bleedin' easy all yer lives
46.
"I really can't believe that a teacher would do that, yer know
47.
"What's wrong with yer now?" he wanted to know
48.
"Tell yer what, why don't ter borrow me brolly? Or 'ow about I fetch yer a soup bowl?"
49.
"If yer thinking what I think yer thinking," he told me, "then I'm off ter get meself a beer
50.
"What yer mean, it were nothing?" growled Uncle Hobart
51.
"If yer going ter use the Juicy Coozy, watch out fer the 'andle
52.
"That's the trouble with yer bleedin' lot today
53.
Too frightened o' saying what yer really think
54.
"Will yer fer God's sake stop saying that?" he demanded
55.
"Did yer say a spider?" he checked with a frown
56.
"What's up with yer, gone bleedin' deaf or some'at?"
57.
"And they tried ter tell me yer was brain dead when yer were born!"
58.
"What's up with yer? Anyone would think yer don't want ter make money, the way yer carry on sometimes
59.
"'Ere yer are then," he said, "let's 'ave a drink on it
60.
"What yer mean?" he replied with a frown
61.
"Yer can use every bit o' them, everything but the squeal
62.
"What yer mean, it's no use?" he objected "'Ave yer read what the meat fetches?"
63.
"Yer owe me fer letting that geezer nick me jag, don't yer?"
64.
"Course it is, yer silly bugger
65.
What's up with yer? It were strong enough ter stop deer, weren't it?" I broke off a particularly rusty piece of the netting, holding it out for him to see
66.
"Anyway, what yer expect fer the money we paid?" Pulling at the temporary repair, he nodded in satisfaction
67.
"I'll just tie this 'ere rope ter yer ankles, see? That'll leave yer 'ands free, won't it?" Handing me a battered tin hat, he continued, "'Ere, put this on
68.
Yer know, the ones that gave us the money for the crop circles
69.
Listen Peter boy, it ain't been done in generations and yer can be first ter start it up again
70.
Come on, where's yer sense o' adventure?"
71.
"But yer agreed it were a good idea ter buy 'em, so why're yer complaining now?"
72.
"Not trying ter back out on me are yer?" he checked with a frown
73.
"Yer 'ave made a promise yer know
74.
"'Ave yer seen this?" he asked, holding up a small yellow poster
75.
"There yer are little boy, there's yer drink
76.
"Not the AA, yer cretin
77.
Yer know, them lot what puts yer car right when it won't start
78.
"And see if yer can 'urry 'em up, will yer?"
79.
"What's up with yer, yer cretin?" he shouted at the BMW driver
80.
"What's up with yer, yer bleedin' cretins?" Uncle Hobart shouted back at the crowd
81.
"Go sit on this yer frigid old bat!" he shouted, driving the tractor straight at her
82.
"Always the same, ain't it? When yer wants a copper there's never one about, but just yer drop an empty beer can on the pavement and watch 'em come crawling out o' the drains
83.
"Sling yer bleedin' 'ooks, the lot o' yer!" Uncle Hobart shouted at them, raising his shotgun again
84.
"It's only loaded with rice, yer silly sod
85.
"Yer coming or what?" he called over his shoulder
86.
"Do yer 'ave ter take the piss like that?" he demanded, pressing a button on the side of the box
87.
Don't just stand there yer cretin, give us a bleedin' n 'and
88.
"Yer see, I were up on the shed roof 'cos I were practising climbing fer when I deliver the Christmas presies
89.
"'Ow can a machine 'ave a virus, yer cretin? Yer'll be telling me next that it's caught a bleedin' cold
90.
"Yer computer thingy," he continued, unperturbed by my antics
91.
"I found out what yer was doing wrong
92.
"Yer 'ad the rat thing stuck in the wrong 'ole in the back," he told me, raising his eyebrows in surprise when I stuck the whole of my fist into my mouth
93.
"Yer still 'ad it plugged in the wrong bleedin' 'ole
94.
"But I fixed it fer yer, didn't I!" Getting up, he flicked a piece of tablet from the front of his shirt, nodding at the ceiling
95.
"Come on, I'll show yer," he said, crooking a dirty finger at me
96.
"Yer really watch a right load o' rubbish," he went on, clicking open a can
97.
"I found out 'ow ter do it, yer know," Uncle Hobart suddenly piped up
98.
"One o' them, and give us 'alf a dozen cans o' beer while yer at it
99.
"What yer want then?" his gruff voice hissed in my ear
100.
"'Ere yer are, then," he crowed, pushing the sandwich across the table at me
